May 25, 2016

I've just realized why I don't watch TV anymore

Like a steadily growing contingent of cord-cutters, I stopped paying for cable TV years ago.

This wasn't some principled act on my part; I wasn't making a statement, or trying to make any kind of a life change. Instead, cutting the cord was just the logical next step for me -- I realized, much to my surprise, that I just wasn't watching TV anymore, even when I had it on tap. My DVR was full of shows that I'd recorded and never watched; I was constantly deleting recorded content to record more content.. which I also would never watch. And I knew it.

I've never been able to really put a finger on why; I just... stopped watching. I stopped even wanting to watch.

So, I cut the cord. It was slightly weird for a bit, but I find that I don't miss mindlessly channel-surfing, an activity that used to be one of my favourite ways to pass time. However, I still didn't know why.

Then I found myself reading Jezebel's rundown of the coming season's new shows, and OMG, do I ever now know why I don't care about TV anymore.

Some high low points:
Are you fucking kidding me?!

Now, movies have been effectively adapted into TV shows before; Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Stargate SG-1 leap to mind, here. And an old TV series can find new life, and a new audience, with a new incarnation. But.. Son of MacGuyer? Why not the Spawn of Airwolf?

Actually, ixnay on that last one. I really shouldn't give them any ideas.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the first season or two of MacGuyer, back in the 80's when they first aired, but it hasn't aged well. Neither had The A-Team, when they decided to turn that into a major motion picture, or The Dukes of Hazzard, when Jessica Simpson tried to fill Catherine Bach's "Daisy Dukes." Or Airwolf, for that matter; I freaking loved that show, as a kid, but trying to watch it now is cringe-inducing. 

And this year's "original" content isn't much better:
  • Imaginary Mary. Do you remember Drop Dead Fred? Do you remember how hot Phoebe Cates was, before that horrible flop killed her career? Well, this looks to be Drop Dead Fred... the TV show. Pass.
  • Downward Dog. “A struggling millennial, from the point of view of her lonely and philosophical dog. One session at obedience school already makes them realize that even at their worst they may be the best thing for each other.” Obedience school? Not yoga class? What a missed opportunity. Pass.
  • Kevin Can Wait. “A newly retired police officer looks forward to spending more quality time with his wife and three kids only to discover he faces much tougher challenges at home than he ever did on the streets.” Or, Family Matters... but starting the King of Queens, and with no Leah Remini. Pass.
  • Conviction. “Lawyer and former First Daughter Hayes Morrison is about to accept a job offered from her sexy nemesis, NY District Attorney Wayne Wallis, to avoid jail time for cocaine possession and avoid hurting her mother’s Senate campaign.” Yawn. Pass.
  • Notorious. “A provocative look at the unique, sexy and dangerous interplay of criminal law and the media.” Wow. Provocative, sexy, and dangerous? All in one show? Be still my heart... oh, wait... we live in a post-Game of Thrones world, don't we? You know, where the bar for that shit has been way higher than network TV will ever go since episode 1, season 1? Pass.
Oh, and did I mention the time travel? Because there are a bunch of time travel shows coming next season...

Yawn. Pass.

If the big networks were trying to convince people like me to reattach the cord... well.. they failed. In epic fashion. Again.
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